My First Year Without Steve
I wrote this for The Sage Forum, a community and newsletter for women in the second half of life. My friend Michelle Van Loon, leader and editor, said I could post it here.
My First Year Without Steve
By Judy Douglass
On an October Friday night, as Steve and I were sitting down to watch a movie, he noticed a call on his phone--from his oncologist. You don’t want to get a call from your oncologist on a Friday night.
This wonderful doctor had walked with Steve through two bouts with melanomas on his scalp. Both had been successfully removed. But his latest PET scan revealed several melanomas on internal organs. The good news: new immunotherapy was very effective, and carried only a small chance of an autoimmune reaction.
His second infusion sent us to the ER as Steve’s reaction attacked his muscles. At the end of 10 days in ICU, my three children, Steve’s brother, and I left him in God’s hands, then watched his color drain, his eyes close, his body relax—and he left.
We all huddled together. All I could pray was “Thank You for this wonderful man, for the privilege of being family to him, for having his love for You and service to You touch our lives in such powerful ways. Thank You for ending his suffering and taking him Home to glory.”
And since then, entangled with many tears, I have continued to be grateful.
Repeatedly I was asked by caring people, “How are you doing?” Of course, it has been so very hard.
I miss him always. We talked through most everything in our lives. Time and again I find myself wanting to get his thoughts on my work, an opportunity, or on the children and grands.
The empty side of the bed has been one of the hardest things. Another challenge has been cooking for one, and even grocery shopping as I pass by the things I would buy for him. Going to social gatherings alone. Making my own coffee. Putting out the trash. Handling the finances.
But so many things have lifted, encouraged, and blessed me, including:
My family: They all were with me for the memorial service. They check on me and stay in touch. I spent holidays and much of the summer visiting my children and grands, all of which has been a source of joy.
My friends: They took care of so much in the months after Steve left, got me Door Dash cards, invited me to go with them to events, prayed with me and for me, and continue to be available. Many gave me books on grieving and learning to live in a new way—I have only been ready to read them recently.
My ministry, Cru: (Note: Steve was the President Emeritus of Cru/Campus Crusade for Christ, and Judy served alongside of him throughout their long ministry with the organization.) They helped me through lots of financial details, invited me to events we would have normally done together, gave me lots of freedom as I navigated this first year. They loved me and prayed for me.
In addition to the love and care from family, friends and Cru, I had the great privilege to represent my husband in a number of ways:
Our church from the time when we lived in California had invited Steve to preach at their annual missions conference—they asked me to come in his place. A number of different ministries he had collaborated with in significant ways asked me to accepts awards on his behalf.
One of my favorite opportunities was to speak at an Asian gathering we had together helped to grow. The topic they gave me was Leaving a Legacy—and Steve was my model.
Throughout this year I have had long—often tearful--conversations with God, asking Him many questions. Always He has comforted and encouraged me. Several times He has responded clearly. These two answers have been powerfully helpful to me:
On the night my sweet husband left, I cried out: “How am I supposed to live now?” God said, “I will be with You.” He has affirmed that over and over, giving me what I need most.
I also asked, “Why did he have to leave now?” God’s reply filled me with gratitude and hope: “I wanted to be kind to Him.” God knew what suffering lay before him if he lived. It was kindness that took him Home.
In a sweet irony, God used our hard journey with our prodigal son and my learning to give thanks in everything through it, to enable me to say—over and over again—"Thank You, Lord” through flowing tears and treasured remembrances.
Now, after a year without my husband, I still get asked, “How are you doing?’
I still miss him terribly, cry often but not as often, resist doing the finances, procrastinate on restoring needed order at home.
But God is so faithful. He gives me peace and courage. He reveals new ways I am trusting Him. And He reminds me of the joys, the blessings, the beauty of 47 years married to this wonderful man.